Well my birthday past by, and as every birthday is for me it was fucking shit. I can’t believe I was so blind to think that this year would be different from all the rest of the years that past by. Why man? I know it’s been awhile since my birthday (currently 6 days) but I wont get over it. Because I don’t know… I guess I just wanted to feel special that I was thought of on my birthday… wells fuck it coz its not important who gives a fuck about me man im just a no one im just a pathetic no one…(not really) wells my love life one again has gone down the drain and cooze thought that he could get away with it easy, his wrong coz I’m not going to let it up this time I’m not a fucking puppy. This time he’ll suffer just like I did. And these are not empty barrel words. God man I don’t know what I was thinking when I got with him and I still don’t know what I’m thinking even thinking of him. Have I lost my mind I never wanted to date someone younger then me that was just wrong and I thought that, that was fucking low and here I am dating a mother fucking young’n, his a fucking loser, he tried to get me back by saying that he got 25g by the end of this week. And then I said “ okay good for you man I hope you go use it well, can you leave me alone.”

His so fucking cut right now I went to eat with him and he kept trying to hold me and hug me and I just pushed him off and he was so pissed he blurted out okay then lets just end it here. I then replied alright whatever you think is right, because I’ve had enough” I don’t know what the fuck his playing at but I’m not going to play with it no more I’m going to go meet someone better. And I swear never going to fall again I will not let myself go the way I do…

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I wanted something big and nice, I wanted to feel special on that day, I wanted to feel special just for one day. But I feel as though that It’s just another day. I’m just another person, it’s just another moment. \= [  even my own brother who I love so much forgot about my birthday, even my own boyfriend. I don’t get this… Grr and I wanted presents. I wanted to have presents… yeah I know it’s not important//but I want them. last year I spent my birthday crying and not near anyone I loved and I felt as though I was unloved by everyone around me… it was so fucking fucked up and this year I have the ones I love around me how come It feels the same way. Like I’m alone once again? I just don’t know. Anyways yeah moving along from that sad story. Kiitta forgot about this blog! That woman gets to Easley distracted.

Hmm moving tomorrow on my birthday too.Lols what a day it’s going to be then, and I have to fit in buying the cake and everything. And I don’t know where im going to have the cake at and what I’m going to do after that? So are we just going to have cake?! Is that it?!omg what a shit birthday!!! Fuck I can’t get over this fucking shit man! I don’t want a fucking shit birthday! I don’t want to fucking feel like shit on my birthday!! Dame it… fuck me dead! I hate when it happens on my birthday! And it always happens on my birthday!!!

This song rocks Hahaha, About a girl claiming not to steal someone else’s boyfriend, well that’s what I’m currently listening too and I’m just boppin` to it. So anyways I’ve moved out to another place, it’s in Cabramatta west two bedroom it`s small but it’s dame nice… I was in love with it the second I stepped into the little home, it was so me in every kind of way. I was breatheless and I was jumping for joy// and it was so cheap!!! Omg you won’t believe how cheap it was, hmm and we’ve got till the 20^th to move outta this shit hole, and I want to get outta here quick you don’t know how much I’m paying for this shit hole and it’s nothing compared to the house I’m about to move into. I can’t wait to put new furniture in the home, a really expensive coach and a really nice bed with a big wardrobe and I want to buy a vintage full length mirror!!! I told myself when I get a nice house is when I start to decorate it like my own home. And this little home is it! Yeah I know it’s just a home why am I making a big fuss of it? WELL it’s a really nice home.

`Um, boring at home nothing much has been happening, alotta little fights but who’s really counting anymore. Another few months and off I go to Thailand, japan, and Vietnam! WOOT! WOOT! Gosh can’t wait to get back in japan man… all the clothes and electronics!!! Can’t wait to get to Vietnam to see my relo’s gosh, ima miss grandma though…she died like 2years ago…ima go visit her grave.

Yeah I know I haven’t been writing in this blog for awhile but only on the fact that I had nothing to write about, and if I sat and wrote that I was bored, it just wouldn’t fit in this blog =]D So what has been happening lately in my life huh?! Ums me and HIM broke up in front of GAS coz I was dancing with a guy, yeah his cheated on me so many times and I forgave him and trust me he did more then dance with a girl, and he got all fucking agro because I went and danced with a guy! He needs to get a life seriously… I couldn’t stand him, but then we got back together because he new he was a dumb cunt and he was over reacting, it was good to see him jealous over me but then it’s not what I’m use to. I’m use to him leaving me alone and forgetting all about me. But his starting to care what happens to me and where I go. But it’s to late, for I don’t really give a shit about this relationship. Well not that much anyways.

I went clubbing last night and I didn’t tell him either I just told him that I was going to sleep over Helens house and he didn’t want me to go but then I assured him that I wasn’t going anywhere lucky the guys came late, we left at around 11:40 ish somewhere there. And he called me way before to check up on me and he was in the car, but I reakon he went clubbing aswell I don’t care as long as he doesn’t go to my club! Lolls and find out I was creeping! =/ coz that would be bad! Really bad! Hahaha I would lose all trust he has in me, he thinks I’m this princess that would never do the dirty on him, which I would never do in the kind of way where I cheat on him,  but I would do it by just going out and flirting with guys, coz if his not willing to give me any attention why cant I get it somewhere else? Isn’t that right though.

So anyways sitha, chris, nick took us to the V bar which wasn’t so bad bt we couldn’t go to the back. And we sat at the front drinking lolls. Umms chris is really cute I reakon bt to much of an UP himself cunt, he reakons all Asians want a wog cock hahaha don’t make me laugh man! Just coz your cute doesn’t mean shit. And nick was the same bt more mellow then chris. I had fun kinda but all the wrong guys were picking me up I wanted someone cute you know? But I got was drunk mother fuckers. But what do you expect anyways coz were in a club dur!. We went back to chris’s pink palace ( his house) it was beautiful!, gosh man I wish I had a house like that I wish my parents could give us something like that.LOL oh how I wish…but yeah..

Got back at 1 something I don’t remember, but fucker had already 3missed call me. And I wasn’t going to answer until I got back home to Helens house, so I got back home and I wanted to message him but I thought that be to suss so I decided to call him instead and he was sleeping he said he just fell asleep and he wanted to know when I was heading home and I said I might go soon and I huing up. I feel as though I did something really wrong but I don’t know why?!

Maybe because I never did this to him…. Oh wells

Shit I’m so not in a good mood today and I don’t know why I want to leave him so bad today I want to be rid of him, I want to get away from this nightmare I want to go away to a place no one knows me no one seen me before. I can’t believe mai choose her girlfriend over me? What the fuck? What a selfish bitch she fucking choose that Vietnamese bitch over me? Coz that stupid bitch had a nightmare that I was with mai?! Yeah I was with mai so what? Doesn’t mean I want mai at all? In any kind of way?! Haha if she hasn’t forgotten I was the one who rejected mai! I was the one who didn’t want to go down on her?! What the fuck is her girlfriend scared of?! >.< all I want is mai and me to be friends? That’s all I wanted man! That’s all I cared about, that my mai is taken care of and that me and her still remain friends. But not even that is possible? Coz that bitches had a dream that I might steal her away, fuck if I have the chance now I wouldn’t even bother! Their’s more in my life then just fucking mai. But because that bitch did that she better watch her back! Coz the next step I get to stab her in the back I wont fucking hesitate. And for mai she’s just a sheep! She’s just a dumb fucking sheep that will be lead into a fucking trap! A single mum that’s lesbian and likes mai coz mai is mai. I’m not saying that it’s impossible?! Mai is one fantastic chick! But I don’t trust the fucking Vietnamese race back there… there so greedy with money there so smart when it comes to conning people!? And what length they would go to get it! They’re fucking amazing people! Coz they know what they have to do. There like my kind. But fucking a hundred times more badly, they lack the money there. I don’t, I just seek more. And if they lack it offcourse when they a opportunity like this arise they going to fucking take it. And when mai falls so in love the next thing is. – Mai taking over the dumb bitch- and the thing after that. Fucking use mai till there’s no tomorrow?! And then will she see how fucked she became! I fucking hate this shit! I hate that my friend choose another bitch over me! I hate that mai use to love me and that bitch took away everything! Everything in one lick that bitch took away! good riddance! I don’t give a fuck no more! I don’t give a fuck about life I don’t give a fuck about myself I don’t give a fuck about anything… HIM he thinks that he can play little games with me and that he can come up on top! Mother fucker you don’t know what I got planned for you! After you’re done with this you won’t see any girl the same no more. You think your hot stuff don’t you? You think you can really make a girl happy? You think you can go kissing anyone huh? And get away with it don’t you!? Fuck your so wrong man! Haha fuck you will regret the day you were popped outta your mama’s pussy! Hehehe you want to play these nasty games on me and say that you don’t give a fuck! Hahaha ill show you how much you wont give a fuck dear boy! Ill show what’s going out! After all this is done you can go fucking kiss your coak goodbye! =]… wow this is viixen. You can totally tell can’t you? I’m not sure what got into me but I am no fucking happy! I am anything near happy and I don’t know why? Oh yeah… coz his trying to control my life! Coz he is sitting there telling me how to lead my life! His sitting there trying to be my mum? He said if I wanted to go out I can. But not a lot and yeah it’s been two weeks. And I wanted to go out with my girlfriend and he tries to make noise and I shut him up and just went out came back three hours later and his pissed? Why for? What the fuck? Like he sits on the game all day and night doesn’t do shit and when I got out he says he’d like to go out? What the fuck? All that time I sit there he never decided to go out? I fucking choose him over my friends again! And he fucking fucks me up like this? What the fuck is this shit! So that’s it I fucking had enough of men. I had enough of all of them! They can all get fucked! And then he tries to apologies to me? What is that going to do? You start and argument and you can end it? You fucking pussy! Fucking stand up for yourself! Haha what a fucking mother fucker! Hehehe pussy face! Hehehe I can’t stand going out with losers! He just gives me headaches! He is just a pain in the ass! And I hope he dies! I hope he dies from aids when he fucks his next slut I hope that I don’t even have to touch him afterwards! I hope that he dies a painful death! Hehehe I might not mean it in 24 hours but then I really don’t give a fuck. Coz I properly mean it after a few days that’s just how I am I guess. Right now his lying in bed sleeping and I want to go in a just hit him in the face… Hehehe >.< I don’t know man… I fucking just don’t know man… god save this fucking soul… Hehehe so stressed out.  

and yeah I know that It hurts right now, but I’m going to do what I want I can’t live for you anymore man… I can’t fucking lie to myself and tell myself that I’m happy in this situation man. I can’t tell you how much it hurts me too… yeah I’m feeling because of you… I feel sorry that we gotta part not cause of love. coz I love you… or I thought that I loved you but I didn’t really… coz if I loved you I wouldn’t be here sitting on the comp thinking about something else other then you… which I am. Please don’t take this to offence but I’ve got to do this… I keep repeating this… and I guess more then anyone I’m trying to tell me more then I’m telling you. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring so I gotta live today to the fullest. I need to go fund something more suitable for me. God and I don’t want to shuck away 6 months for shit? I’m human to you no? I know what’s decent. And me leaving you in a time that you so need me is not decent. I thought I spend more then 6months with you I admit. But fuck what can you do? If you didn’t hurt me like I weren’t shit then we wouldn’t be here. Omg life sucks aye? Reality is always knocking at the door… hitting you off your feet. And damaging your self- awareness… likes it’s telling you. You will never be ready for me bitch. You can be on guard but I will get you when you’re down… it’s a stupid thought that I wanted to be with you so long… I thought you were something worth holding on to but I was wrong like I am always and I was wrong to think that you could change for me baby coz you can’t even change for yourself. You’re an animal that’s all I can really say… an animal with no state of mind what so ever. I really wish you get over yourself baby I really wish I wake up in the morning and you were a changed man… but life doesn’t work that way you know? Life is never fair with you. Life’s a big lesion… and I’m sure you know that I’m distancing myself from you coz I want to leave now… I can’t wait till the dost comes in that’s just too far away… I can’t wait for you no more. I’m going to find someone better suited me… im so sorry man… I don’t know when I’m going to drop the bomb on you… but I hope it’s soon I hope I grow outta this stupidity and get what I want. A rich life that has no boundaries. Omg I want to be that wife that goes shopping all day long and all night long. I want to be that rich bitch that never needs to worry about money… and right now with you its just a dream.. it’s just a fucking dream and I want it to be reality!!!

Last night the two people that I kinda dislike came over again. Like I don’t really have a clue right now what to do… I’ve lost myself so many times but when I start to lose grip I instantly pull myself back… yet this time i've gone too far… I’ve gone beyond the b=point of being rescued… how am I to find myself when I don’t know where i’ve lost myself. I feel like crying an ocean a sea of tears… but the other side won’t let me. It says that i’m weak if I let tears flow. It says that crying wont do anything at this point and if I cry i’m just a loser… so I stop the tears and I stop the anger I stop the desperate plea to be found. And just lose my scenes. Coz this is the way that my other half side want me to be. No feelings what so ever. Cause if I learn to have no feelings I will be untouchable. Anger is one of the strongest things that can make you the weakest to your enemies. I try not to be angry try not to cry when things hurt me, I take it all in change the hurtful words they say to my face into something sweet and caring. And then my brains go to overdrive and think of something to spit back in there face, in away it gives me the upper hand. Coz the words don’t hurt me and emotions are not in the way your brain can work in a better mood. =] I make myself believe that I have a perfect life so I don’t brake down constantly. Coz I no at the age of 12 I had a break down every 4 months… I cry and I fall to the ground and keep crying. My state of mind would be gone… Lols. I was so fragile back then… but now i’m much better I have a break down every…lets say 6months. Yeah well if you were living thru my brains you would understand how hard it is… my brains a bitch to me... I have the nice side and the means side thing going on here. The mean side I call viixen and the good side is felisha, fill for short. These to in my mind exist. Coz everyone has them, just some ppl decide to block it out. But I embrace the two secretly. Viixen is a bitch... she’s always been a bitch she’s the onli one that can bring me down… she’s the only one who can tick me off… I am my own worse enemies. I spin a web of game and I get caught in my own game so hard I don’t know left from right I don’t knoe right from wrong… that’s how it usually goes then I get lost… then I get emotional… coz viixen in the background is chanting these stupid shit to me… Grr... I hate her… [I guess I hate myself] well yeah I hate myself so much… I hate it when I look ugly I hate it when I see a prettier girl and say “hmm she looks good with a skirt, hide your legs or ppl will laugh at you…” omg… I hate it when I think shit like that. I hate it when I don’t eat... Makes me look like i'm dysfunctional. I hate looking like that I like myself to come off as a clean as white paper nothing wrong with me. I hate when ppl start to read into me how they read into a book. Makes me think that they got some plan to brake me down. I have heard from a lot of ppl that I am really hard to read. They go crazy coz they’ve known me for 5 years and they cant read me… they cant even tell what im thinking after 5years. They cant even see my next move and that’s the way I love it that’s the thing I live for in life… to be unreadable to be unpredictable. My mum gave birth to be and she cant even tell how I react sometimes. Which is sometimes when I think about strange… coz mothers know everything. But my mum doesn’t know anything. The only thing she knows is the things I tell her myself which is nothing!... I like my privacy I wont tell no one shit, but isn’t this weird right here? Im pouring my secrets that ive never told anyone into a stupid blog?! Haha these things I don’t even tell my best friends.. wait don’t have any! I don’t find friends very useful I admit… coz they fuck you up hard emotionally.. they can make you feel so down.. and when they leave they make you feel as though you need them… no waii.. that is not for me, not my thing to get tangled up with emotions. Emotions make you human yeah I no ra ra ra! Whatever. So I don’t like to be human?! Haha I want to be something other then just human. I hate FEELING! Yeah you heard me.. I hate feeling// anything at all!! Love hate, both… feeling emotions is what I call a person weak. In my eyes your weak and will never pervale coz you got something that will always pull you down…I feel sorry for all those friends I had loveing someone getting prgnet and hoping that that guy wil stay forever and, what a big surprise [big gasp] they leave… PATHITIC! Mother fucker! Open your eyes…and you still love and etc. haha I pity them all… coz they will never understand how good it feels to have no emotions… to never be hurt by such words of effects in such ways… to laugh at pain and smirk ppl trying to hurt you. You cant do that with emotions… think about it. Love kiitta!+